Fat:
Things like butter, lard and cheese do not in fact clog up your arteries. They lubricate them, allowing for faster, smoother blood flow.
Calories:
I’ve never seen one. Which puts them in the same category as mermaids and the Easter Bunny. Which means calories are not fattening food molecules, but in fact are more likely to be philanthropic fish-rabbits.
Omega-3:
Is it me or was this only discovered about five years ago? Around the same time everyone decided Aloe Vera was the shit. And like everyone else, I survived an infancy free from awareness of Omega-3. Also it sounds like an evil branch of the government.
Reggae Reggae:
An essential source of goodness and the 6th of your five-a-day. Once consumed it soothes all human ailments with a cool island song. Hence the slogan, “Reggae Reggae is fucking awesome”. For best results, mix with cheese in a toastie.
06 October 2009
22 September 2009
If Channel Five keep refusing golden ideas like this, no wonder they're losing viewers.
Dear Alfie,
Thank you for your programme idea.
Unfortunately, we do not produce in-house at Five and consequently don’t commission or accept proposals from private individuals.
The best advice I can offer you is to take your idea to an established production company with a track record in the sort of programme you propose.
Sorry I can't be of any more help at this stage, but I wish you luck getting your idea off the ground.
Kind regards,
Alison
From: Alfie Hayward [mailto:err.hello@googlemail.
Sent: 25 June 2009 12:10
To: Alison Walton
Subject: An ANTicing opportunity. Don't DECline.
- Hide quoted text -
Dear Five,
I've just had a brilliant idea for a new game show starring Ant and Dec. It's called Ant or Dec and involves the comedy pair standing on stage for 45 minutes while the audience try to guess which one's which.
Celebrity guests could include:
George Clooney
Shakira
and Sidney Poitier
I hope to hear from you soon,
Alfie Hayward
06 August 2009
One of my many rejected TV ads
While the visual reference makes the script a tad predictable, I've put it below for good measure (except the brand name). I still can't figure out why this never got made.
We see shots of busy city streets full of people going to work. We hear the finale of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture begin to play.
As it reaches the crescendo we cut to the cannon on Edinburgh Castle. It fires and several small furry shapes shoot out. We quickly cut to several more cannons that fire out more small furry shapes. The shapes, now revealed to be puppies and kittens, land safely in the arms of the people on the streets and start licking their faces and bounding around happily.
The logo and end line super: [brand name] Spreading happiness throughout Scotland.
We see shots of busy city streets full of people going to work. We hear the finale of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture begin to play.As it reaches the crescendo we cut to the cannon on Edinburgh Castle. It fires and several small furry shapes shoot out. We quickly cut to several more cannons that fire out more small furry shapes. The shapes, now revealed to be puppies and kittens, land safely in the arms of the people on the streets and start licking their faces and bounding around happily.
The logo and end line super: [brand name] Spreading happiness throughout Scotland.
30 July 2009
29 July 2009
You don't eat MEAT??!!
There are few breeds of people less imaginative than those who try to start an argument with me about why I’m vegetarian.
And here they are, arranged by opening argument:
“Where do you get your protein?”
My normal response is to ask them what protein is, because they DON’T KNOW. They’re sure it has a positive relationship with muscles, which is ironic given how a lot of them have a body shape similar to a savaged cheesestring.
“Eating meat is natural”
Yes it is. But the part of this process these people will happily miss out is that the natural way would be to kill the animal with your bare hands and eat its flesh raw. Not pay for someone else to raise it, kill it, chop it up and present it to you all nice and unrecognisable. So I’m reserving yielding to this argument for the day I meet Bear Grylls.
“I’m a carnivore”
You’re a carnivorous scavenger. Doesn’t sound as cool.
“There’s a vegetarian option. You can fuck off”
Not only did I also see the episode of mock the week that gave tong-groping barbecue rookies this gem, but they actually slip slightly into Frankie Boyle’s accent while saying it.
“You must be gay. Hur hur hur”
I’d eat these people if I didn’t think it would somehow mix our brains.
“If you’re vegetarian, why don’t you avoid stepping on bugs and wear a Greenpeace T-shirt?” (Or something like that)
I could easily counter this with “If you eat meat, why not eat puppies, why not eat your own mother?” but neither of us would have an answer. The truth is there’s no logic to where anyone draws the line, you just do.
Note – a vegetarian who suggests inter-family cannibalism is frowned upon by society.
“Animals are bred to be eaten. By not eating them you’re denying future generations life”
Ah the one argument with actual merit. So I’ll answer seriously. I’m a vegetarian not because I don’t agree with animals being killed or eaten (I ate meat for 22 years so I can’t claim moral superiority over anyone), but because I couldn’t kill an animal.
Save being stuck on a desert island with a rabbit and a gun, there’s no way I could kill anything bigger than a mouse – and that’s stretching it. But the argument’s solid, I’d just like to see those that recite it first kill an animal then carry out the process that bridges that and the dinner table. I couldn’t, so I don’t pay anyone else to do it for me.
I’ve only been vegetarian for about ten months but already I’d recommend telling people you are just to see their response. The great irony is that people treat you with the same disgust and contempt you’d think they reserve for someone who eats kittens.
And here they are, arranged by opening argument:
“Where do you get your protein?”
My normal response is to ask them what protein is, because they DON’T KNOW. They’re sure it has a positive relationship with muscles, which is ironic given how a lot of them have a body shape similar to a savaged cheesestring.
“Eating meat is natural”
Yes it is. But the part of this process these people will happily miss out is that the natural way would be to kill the animal with your bare hands and eat its flesh raw. Not pay for someone else to raise it, kill it, chop it up and present it to you all nice and unrecognisable. So I’m reserving yielding to this argument for the day I meet Bear Grylls.
“I’m a carnivore”
You’re a carnivorous scavenger. Doesn’t sound as cool.
“There’s a vegetarian option. You can fuck off”
Not only did I also see the episode of mock the week that gave tong-groping barbecue rookies this gem, but they actually slip slightly into Frankie Boyle’s accent while saying it.
“You must be gay. Hur hur hur”
I’d eat these people if I didn’t think it would somehow mix our brains.
“If you’re vegetarian, why don’t you avoid stepping on bugs and wear a Greenpeace T-shirt?” (Or something like that)
I could easily counter this with “If you eat meat, why not eat puppies, why not eat your own mother?” but neither of us would have an answer. The truth is there’s no logic to where anyone draws the line, you just do.
Note – a vegetarian who suggests inter-family cannibalism is frowned upon by society.
“Animals are bred to be eaten. By not eating them you’re denying future generations life”
Ah the one argument with actual merit. So I’ll answer seriously. I’m a vegetarian not because I don’t agree with animals being killed or eaten (I ate meat for 22 years so I can’t claim moral superiority over anyone), but because I couldn’t kill an animal.
Save being stuck on a desert island with a rabbit and a gun, there’s no way I could kill anything bigger than a mouse – and that’s stretching it. But the argument’s solid, I’d just like to see those that recite it first kill an animal then carry out the process that bridges that and the dinner table. I couldn’t, so I don’t pay anyone else to do it for me.
I’ve only been vegetarian for about ten months but already I’d recommend telling people you are just to see their response. The great irony is that people treat you with the same disgust and contempt you’d think they reserve for someone who eats kittens.
28 July 2009
Things you can barbecue but probably don't
When you live for and almost off barbecues, there arises a need for new ideas. Here's a few of the more successful ones, thanks go to my co-inventors. You know who you are.
Pizza - Defrosted, folded in half, with added cheese and reggae reggae.
Crisps - Idealy salt & vinegar kettle chips. Taste like little roast potatoes. Connoisseurs dip in reggae reggae. Goes well with cheese.
Cookies - Chocolate chip. Doesn't need reggae reggae. Cheese optional. Sticky.
Waffles - Add reggae reggae early on and it melts into the potato as it cooks. Cheese goes on top.
Marshmallows - Leave a stick poked in them while on the bbq. Skin gets incinerated, inside goes gooey. Use stick to gently lift soft inside from outer shell (could also be adapted for armadillos). Cheese and reggae reggae not advised.
The pizza
Pizza - Defrosted, folded in half, with added cheese and reggae reggae.
Crisps - Idealy salt & vinegar kettle chips. Taste like little roast potatoes. Connoisseurs dip in reggae reggae. Goes well with cheese.
Cookies - Chocolate chip. Doesn't need reggae reggae. Cheese optional. Sticky.
Waffles - Add reggae reggae early on and it melts into the potato as it cooks. Cheese goes on top.
Marshmallows - Leave a stick poked in them while on the bbq. Skin gets incinerated, inside goes gooey. Use stick to gently lift soft inside from outer shell (could also be adapted for armadillos). Cheese and reggae reggae not advised.
The pizza
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