You don't eat MEAT??!!

There are few breeds of people less imaginative than those who try to start an argument with me about why I’m vegetarian.

And here they are, arranged by opening argument:


“Where do you get your protein?”

My normal response is to ask them what protein is, because they DON’T KNOW. They’re sure it has a positive relationship with muscles, which is ironic given how a lot of them have a body shape similar to a savaged cheesestring.


“Eating meat is natural”

Yes it is. But the part of this process these people will happily miss out is that the natural way would be to kill the animal with your bare hands and eat its flesh raw. Not pay for someone else to raise it, kill it, chop it up and present it to you all nice and unrecognisable. So I’m reserving yielding to this argument for the day I meet Bear Grylls.


“I’m a carnivore”

You’re a carnivorous scavenger. Doesn’t sound as cool.


“There’s a vegetarian option. You can fuck off”

Not only did I also see the episode of mock the week that gave tong-groping barbecue rookies this gem, but they actually slip slightly into Frankie Boyle’s accent while saying it.


“You must be gay. Hur hur hur”

I’d eat these people if I didn’t think it would somehow mix our brains.


“If you’re vegetarian, why don’t you avoid stepping on bugs and wear a Greenpeace T-shirt?” (Or something like that)

I could easily counter this with “If you eat meat, why not eat puppies, why not eat your own mother?” but neither of us would have an answer. The truth is there’s no logic to where anyone draws the line, you just do.

Note – a vegetarian who suggests inter-family cannibalism is frowned upon by society.


“Animals are bred to be eaten. By not eating them you’re denying future generations life”

Ah the one argument with actual merit. So I’ll answer seriously. I’m a vegetarian not because I don’t agree with animals being killed or eaten (I ate meat for 22 years so I can’t claim moral superiority over anyone), but because I couldn’t kill an animal.

Save being stuck on a desert island with a rabbit and a gun, there’s no way I could kill anything bigger than a mouse – and that’s stretching it. But the argument’s solid, I’d just like to see those that recite it first kill an animal then carry out the process that bridges that and the dinner table. I couldn’t, so I don’t pay anyone else to do it for me.


I’ve only been vegetarian for about ten months but already I’d recommend telling people you are just to see their response. The great irony is that people treat you with the same disgust and contempt you’d think they reserve for someone who eats kittens.